“Bodywork has fundamentally changed my relationships.”
“My work practice has changed dramatically from the moment I went to relationship therapy with my then partner. On the outside, this may not even be visible in my behavior. I ask more questions and am milder for myself and others. When we rode our bikes to relationship therapy for the first time, I realized how vulnerable I felt. I had no idea where to start with our story. How could we do that justice and how I could rise above my judgments and frustrations? Of course, that was impossible at the time. That was the exact reason we were in therapy. An external mirror was invaluable. The relationship counselor showed us how we responded to each other and what frustrations this caused in each of us. This happens in many relationships and eventually you can rise above it and sometimes you can't. Relationships also have their own phases and lifetime. Life is too short to keep each other trapped in relationships that are no longer loving and productive.” The relationship with my ex-partner has improved remarkably after we let go of each other as life partners. I am grateful for that. Yet it is also proof that relationships can really improve, if you have good intent and can rise above your frustrations and sensitivities." Through body work (yoga, meditation, tantra, connected breathing and cold-water training) I have learned to feel and recognize my emotions better. This means that I can take more responsibility for my needs and those of others. That has fundamentally changed my relationships.
What makes a real impact in team development?
Team members must dare to examine their team dynamics and learn to take ownership. A team is determined by the quality of the relationships and its alignment. This alignment is hindered if there is friction in the relationship. People are often unaware of their role in team dynamics. For example, a management team once agreed within 45 minutes on a subject about which they had been discussing for the nine months before. This succeeded when the four people who were not directly responsible for the topic were asked to reach agreement together. Those directly responsible were present and just listened and observed. I call that real impact, because progress is being made on a substantive strategic topic. At the same time, everyone's awareness increased. In addition, the magic of good questions or compelling summaries is really reflected in it. And of course, feminine qualities such as listening, showing empathy and working together towards a result were decisive.
This only works if the relationships already have a good foundation and team members want to grow as individuals and as a team. These are often 'high performing teams' already, who realize that sound relationships also need maintenance. Much more often, the intentions between people are good, but people’s collaboration really is just mediocre. There is often resistance to this ongoing maintenance. I feel that resistance myself as well in my personal relationships. The prospect of being vulnerable, or disappointing someone with my feedback, or the unknown response in an apparent conflict, sometimes makes me want to move away from the courageous conversation. But the more we avoid potential conflicts, the greater the possible misunderstanding. Relationships may eventually deteriorate in the form of abuse of power or manipulation. One person does not receive feedback or does not want to hear it. The other person cares less and less and does not feel heard. If one person also starts to feel like a victim in the relationship, the dormant conflict can derail completely. In my opinion, that is the origin of a lot of the transgressive behavior cases, I encounter.
“Feedback is the oxygen of every relationship.”
In constructive team development you do the opposite: you learn to bring each other in position, because you know what everyone is good at and what gives the other person energy. Through mutual feedback you help each other grow and strengthen relationships. Feedback is also called 'the oxygen' of change in every relationship.
What are your most important principles in culture change?
Context is much more important for change than psychology. Ultimately, we are social animals who first observe what the people around them are doing. Anyone over the age of eight understands what is expected of him or her in a cemetery or in a football stadium. My former colleague Sumantra Ghoshal called this: 'changing the smell of the place'. He was referring to his hometown of Calcutta, India, where it always smells badly in the summer. Such an environment does not inspire change. Everyone there does as little as possible to save maximum energy. Sumantra used to provoke: “many organizations smell like Calcutta in summertime.” I think he was right. I used to swim in a 29-degree pool in the morning. That's comfortable, but it doesn't make you swim faster. Now I swim in the Rotte in the morning, if possible. There is not a better kickstart to the day.
A second principle is the golden rule: practice what you preach, or better put: 'people follow your hips, not your lips'. That is of course true in many senses for top teams. Your behavior is continuously assessed against the core values of the organization. Every recognition of the core values in your behavior, strengthens those core values. Every deviation weakens it. This has become a criterion for me as to whether I can see myself working with a client: Does the top team reinforce the values, they want to convey?
The last two principles belong together: 'Dance with the people, who want to dance' and 'If you can't change people, change people'. The last principle ties in with where we started: at a certain point a relationship can no longer be nourishing for the individual or the organization, or both. Then it's time to say goodbye. This is invaluable for cultural change. With new people comes a great impulse for culture change.
What do you want to create with Opire?
18 years ago, I started 'The world we work in'. I worked mainly with people who had 10 - 15 years more experience than me that I could learn from. Now the same applies, but with people 10 – 15 years younger than me. Relationships in which I see others and myself growing. From a perspective on culture transformation that resonates with our customers. Sometimes it is a concrete project in leadership development, or core values, or conflict mediation or the publication of an article about cultural change. We build an ecosystem of companies with similar values. They are not competitors but reinforce each other and help every individual to grow.
